Dear Sirs,

I ate a girl and I liked it.

Sincerely,

Rosie O'Donnell

Crotchrot, New York

 

Dear Sirs,

I ate a boy and I liked it.

Yours Truly,

Jeffrey Dahmer

In the bunk next to Bundy, Hell

 

Dear Sirs,

The only good thing about dying is that now I can finally scratch my balls.

Over and Out,

The Lost In Space Robot

Next to Billy's Mummy

 

Dear Sirs,

I sure wish someone would scratch my balls.

Rosie O'Donnell

Trumps Plaza

 

Dear Sirs,

Now that my old man has finally kicked the bucket, how do I go about collecting on his life insurance policy?

Sincerely,

Rosie (From the Jetsons)

Oil of Olay

 

Dear Sirs,

I've got good news and bad news. The "bad news" is that there are no luxary cars up here. The "good news" is... no midgets either.

Ole,

Ricardo Montabalm

Not My Fantasy, Island

 

Dear Sirs,

Yeah.... midgets... that's the ticket. I wasn't sharing my bed with little children, it was with consenting adult midgets. More later, I've got to call my lawyers.

Mik'eal Mohammed Jackson

Elizabeth's Taylor, Budai

 

Dear Sirs,

I'm a pepper, he's a pepper, she's a pepper, they're all peppers, wouldn't you want to be a pepper too?

Sincerely,

SaltNPeppa

Behind the Menu, Denny's

 

Dear Sirs,

With a knick knack paddy whack give a dog a bone, this old dog came rollin' home.

Yours Truly,

Michael Vick

Cell Block H

 

Dear Sirs,

What't the matter? Cat got your tongue?

Sigfried and Roy,

What the hell happened to us, Arizona

 

Dear Sirs,

What happens in Vegas, stays in vegas.

Sincerely,

The White Tiger that ripped Roy a new ahole

 

P.S. He tasted like "chicken."

 

 

Dear Sirs,

We don't understand the big fuss over that pilot being a hero for landing that disabled jet in the Hudson River recently.

Afterall, it's not like it hasn't been done before.

Sincerely,

John John Kennedy and John Denver

Waterlogged, Iowa

 

Dear Sirs,

Bailout? Did somebody say "bailout"???

Yours Truly,

Charles Manson

Pardon Me, Alcatraz

 

Dear Sirs,

Did you hear that one about the dutch kid sticking his finger in a **** to fill the crack and stop the water from rushing out?

Well we're here to tell you we tried it and it didn't work.

Sincerely,

Ellen DeGenerate and Portia deRossi

Lesbefriends, California

Dear Sirs,

I wanted to do something special for my daughter on Christmas, so I sewed her a nice large pocket.

When do you think it would be safe for me to remove her stitches?

Sincerely,

Bette Davis Thighs

Mommy Deadest, Budapest

 

Dear Sirs,

When I retired I didn't know that I would miss competitive racing as much as I do.

In fact, I'd give up my left nut to be in this year's Tour de France.

Yours Truly,

Lance Armstrong

Nutsack, New Jersey

 

Dear Sirs,

I just wanted to express my deep appreciation for your wonderful new product, the "Self Cleaning Kitty Litter Box."

There's no mess and they taste just like the granola bars  I used to buy in the store.

Yours, Mine and Ours,

Rosie O'Donnell

Lesbefriends, New York

 

Dear Sirs,

So Rosie-O-Fat snacks on cat turds?

Please tell us something that we didn't already know. Like what her life partner uses to treat that mold around her lips?

Respectfully,

Donald Trump

Small Change, New York

 

Dear Sirs,

Do you realize that if Hilary Clinton wins the Presidential election that it will be like having two Presidents living in the White House?

Well, you know what they say... two heads are better than one.

Best Wishes,

Cheng and Eng Bunker

Siamese Twins Refuge Camp, Idaho

P.S. Hilary has our support, but we're still not sure if we get one vote or two. 

Dear Sirs,

Go ahead and make fun of me all you want, but I'd rather have a "red" nose than be a "brown noser" like Prancer over there. I bet you he pees sitting down.

Sincerely,

Rudolph the Hungover Raindeer

Viagra Falls, North Pole

 

Dear Sirs,

Does anyone know how we could get in touch with Hustler publisher Larry Flynt? We've been taking a lot of pictures down by the stream and we were told he might be interested in purchasing some of our "beaver" shots.

Yours Truly,

Two Bears and a Chipmunk

Trolling for Dollars, Rolling Rock

 

Dear Sirs,

We'd be interested in Larry Flynt's number as well. While photographing our fine feathered friends we came up with some great spread eagle shots.

Sincerely,

The Calumet Bird Watchers Club

Shitcago, Alotofnoise

 

Dear Sirs,

How many albino lions does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to hold the bulb, one to turn the chair and one to grab Roy by the throat.

Sincerely,

Sigfrued Without Roy

Queens, NewYork

 

Dear Sirs,

Speaking of those two fruitcakes, what to Sigfrued and the lion who tore Roy a new ahole have in common?

They both know what Roy tastes like.

Sincerely,

Squiggy and Lenny

Near Beer, Wisconsin

 

Dear Sirs,

If I had a hammer,

I'd hammer in the morning,

I'd hammer in the evening,

And crush my parent's heads.

Yours Truly,

Lizzy Borden

Blastfromthepast, Hell

Intercepted Letters to Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

Do you think you could give me a new pair of shoes this Christmas?

My old ones seem to be all tapped out.

Sincerely,

Senator Larry Craig

I'm Not Gay Your Gay, Minnesota

 

Dear Santa,

It's true, I saw Mommy kissing you (Santa Claus), but you should have seen what Michael was doing to the elves.

Yours Truly,

Janet Jackson

NeverAgain Land

 

Dear Santa,

Barbie and her friends are so materialistic. I know Barbie wants a new corvette for Christmas so she can visit her cousin in Malibu, while her friends all want new outfits and cellphones.

Personally, I'd prefer some genitalia.

Sincerely,

Ken

 

Dear Santa,

Just to let you know I do all of my Christmas shopping at K-Mart.

That's because they've already got boys' pants half off.

Best Wishes,

Michael Jackson

Cots for Tots, Dubai