Dear Sirs,

I wanted to do something special for my daughter on Christmas, so I sewed her a nice large pocket.

When do you think it would be safe for me to remove her stitches?

Sincerely,

Bette Davis Thighs

Mommy Deadest, Budapest

Dear Sirs,

When I retired I didn't know that I would miss competitive racing as much as I do.

In fact, I'd give up my left nut to be in this year's Tour de France.

Yours Truly,

Lance Armstrong

Nutsack, New Jersey

Dear Sirs,

I just wanted to express my deep appreciation for your wonderful new product, the "Self Cleaning Kitty Litter Box."

There's no mess and they taste just like the granola bars  I used to buy in the store.

Yours, Mine and Ours,

Rosie O'Donnell

Lesbefriends, New York

Dear Sirs,

So Rosie-O-Fat snacks on cat turds?

Please tell us something that we didn't already know. Like what her life partner uses to treat that mold around her lips?

Respectfully,

Donald Trump

Small Change, New York

Dear Sirs,

Do you realize that if Hilary Clinton wins the Presidential election that it will be like having two Presidents living in the White House?

Well, you know what they say... two heads are better than one.

Best Wishes,

Cheng and Eng Bunker

Siamese Twins Refuge Camp, Idaho

P.S. Hilary has our support, but we're still not sure if we get one vote or two. 

Dear Sirs,

Go ahead and make fun of me all you want, but I'd rather have a "red" nose than be a "brown noser" like Prancer over there. I bet you he pees sitting down.

Sincerely,

Rudolph the Hungover Raindeer

Viagra Falls, North Pole

Dear Sirs,

Does anyone know how we could get in touch with Hustler publisher Larry Flynt? We've been taking a lot of pictures down by the stream and we were told he might be interested in purchasing some of our "beaver" shots.

Yours Truly,

Two Bears and a Chipmunk

Trolling for Dollars, Rolling Rock

Dear Sirs,

We'd be interested in Larry Flynt's number as well. While photographing our fine feathered friends we came up with some great spread eagle shots.

Sincerely,

The Calumet Bird Watchers Club

Shitcago, Alotofnoise

Dear Sirs,

How many albino lions does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to hold the bulb, one to turn the chair and one to grab Roy by the throat.

Sincerely,

Sigfrued Without Roy

Queens, NewYork

Dear Sirs,

Speaking of those two fruitcakes, what to Sigfrued and the lion who tore Roy a new ahole have in common?

They both know what Roy tastes like.

Sincerely,

Squiggy and Lenny

Near Beer, Wisconsin

Dear Sirs,

If I had a hammer,

I'd hammer in the morning,

I'd hammer in the evening,

And crush my parent's heads.

Yours Truly,

Lizzy Borden

Blastfromthepast, Hell

Intercepted Letters to Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

Do you think you could give me a new pair of shoes this Christmas?

My old ones seem to be all tapped out.

Sincerely,

Senator Larry Craig

I'm Not Gay Your Gay, Minnesota

Dear Santa,

It's true, I saw Mommy kissing you (Santa Claus), but you should have seen what Michael was doing to the elves.

Yours Truly,

Janet Jackson

NeverAgain Land

Dear Santa,

Barbie and her friends are so materialistic. I know Barbie wants a new corvette for Christmas so she can visit her cousin in Malibu, while her friends all want new outfits and cellphones.

Personally, I'd prefer some genitalia.

Sincerely,

Ken

Dear Santa,

Just to let you know I do all of my Christmas shopping at K-Mart.

That's because they've already got boys' pants half off.

Best Wishes,

Michael Jackson

Cots for Tots, Dubai 

From Wednesday's Mailbag....

Dear Sirs,

Several of the heartbreaking letters you've received before ours include some real tear jerkers, but we still feel we're a lot worse off than most.

Sincerely,

M & M's WITHOUT Nuts

Mars 

Dear Sirs,

Please give a big hand to our newest contestant... it's Charmin Toilet Paper's very own...Mr. Wiffle!!!

Yours Truly,

Bob Euwbanks

Host of the "Newly-dead Game"

Syndication, Hollywood

Dear Sirs,

Some people can't remember what the last words they heard before they died were, but I remember them as if it was yesterday.

My mom said, "Jon Benet... where do you think this telephone cord would look better?... On the phone, or around your neck?

Jon Benet Ramsey

Dressed to Kill, Arizona

Dear Sirs,

 I'm hoping that we can ease racial relations in this country. First the African Americans complained (and rightfully so) that there were too many holidays honoring white people... so we gave them "Martin Luther King Day."

Then they complained they needed more. They should be happier now... just last week we gave them "Black Friday."

Sincerely,

Mark Fuhrman

Whitesnake, Utah 

Highlights of tonight's television programing schedule....

MY THREE BUNS

Fred MacMurray stars as a middle-aged widowed father who mysteriously develops a third buttock. In tonight's episode, Uncle Charley suffers an anxiety attack as he tries to determine how much toilet paper the family will now need on a weekly basis.

LANCING WITH THE STARS

Combine sword fighting with inexperienced celebrities and you've got mayhem! Tonight, three members of "High School Musical" suffer fatal injuries, while 12 others are hospitalized after being humiliated in a grudge match with  the cast from the movie "You've Been Served." (Last show of series).

NOT SO HAPPY DAYS

After Fonzie is jailed on charges of selling crack cocaine, Mr. and Mrs.Cunningham discover some dark secrets when they try to rent his room out to someone else. Such as what really happened to Richie's older brother, who was thought to have moved away to college and that Potsie and Ralph have been stealing Mrs. C's underwear.

DEAL OR NO DEAL

The tension mounts as terrorist groups try to decide whether to accept the banker's offer or hold out in hopes that the case they selected contains a cache of plutonium. 

THE SAMMY DAVIS JR. "ALL EYES ON CHRISTMAS" VARIETY SPECIAL

Staring Sammy, Sandy Duncan, Stevie Wonder, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes and Ray Charles with a cameo by Jose Feliciano. Highlights include Sammy and Sandy in a "winner take all" glass eye marble match and the whole gang participating in a poisoned-tip darts playoff.