I always felt that one of the most worthless "professions" on the face of the planet is that of a "critic." Each person has their own likes and dislikes regarding music, tv shows, movies, etc, and no critic could ever be considered representative of those thoughts. In fact most of the critics I've come across over the years have very little in common with the people they are addressing.
It has been my experience that more times than not, my "likes" and "dislikes" are the direct opposite of the critics I read in the newspapers and see on television. Most of these people fall into the category of believing that they are some how better than everyone else. Chances are that if they rant and rave about a movie, it's not going to be one that I want to see. If they criticize it, it might be right up my alley.
And so it is with my blog. While I certainly don't place myself above others, I realize that not all people think in the same vein. Somethings that I, along with other people, might find hilarious, may be in fact repulsive to others. I have seen this in action numerous times when either performing at or attending comedy clubs in my neck of the woods. I might recite a joke that has half of the room falling out of their chairs in laughter, while the other half sits dazed with a confused or nonchalant look on their faces.
In short, you can't please all of the people all of the time. Maybe that is why there are so many different people in the comedy business.... each with their own niche in the marketplace. For example, when the "redneck" comedy movement of people like Jeff Foxworthy, Ron White and others first emerged in the spotlight I found a lot of their material funny. Now I find it boring and uninteresting.
I'd like to take a few moments to touch on my background. I was overweight throughout my schooling years and subsequently not among the most popular kids in the classrooms. I accepted my "place" but that never stopped me from yearning to be in with the "in crowd." I couldn't compete with the top flight athletes and wasn't among the best looking, but I came to the realization that all of us have God given talents that just happen to be in different areas.
At an early age I realized I could do things with my voice that the most popular of students couldn't. While the first voices I ever mimicked were baseball announcers, my most notable impersonation early on was that of Lyle Wagoner,,, the announcer for the Carol Burnett Show. I could do his voice dead on... something that no other student in my school could come close to.
But I also learned that man could not live by simply mimicking other people's material. It was then I discovered that God had not only given my the ability to speak in different voices and do so in front of groups of people comfortably, but that I had the ability to put pen to paper as well and express things in ways that other people could not.
I loved the "old time" comedians... including people like Bob Hope, Dean Martin, Jonathan Winters, Phylis Diller and Bob Newhart. Later I was exposed to the talents of the Firesign Theatre, Cheech and Chong and Bill Cosby. I would have to say that my favorite "current" comedian is Lewis Black. I guess the point is, is that a typical day might have me watching a Lewis Black dvd, followed by a Phylis Diller album.
Against my mothers' best wishes I also was strongly influenced by George Carlin and ultimately the gang at the National Lampoon magazine. That is where the format for the "Dear Sirs" letters came from. Millions of people across the nation loved the off beat humor of National Lampoon, while millions of others found it disgusting and repulsive. Count me among the group that still has hundreds of these 30-40 year old magazines still lying around.
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And finally I come to the discussion of making light of serious situations. Believe me when I tell you I am just as sympathetic (if not more so) as anyone else when it comes to murders, tragedies, etc. If I had my way, all of us would go peacefully of old age. But that is not the way life as we know it is.. and there is nothing I can do to change it.
Some events bring me to tears... even though I live thousands of miles away and have never heard of these people in my life. Some stories stay with me for life. Deaths of children in particular upset me, but as a Christian I must put my faith in God to usher them to a better place and provide loving grace for their families left behind.
People like Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy and Timothy McVeigh were the biggest scumbags on the face of the planet. Given my druthers, I would have chained these people up to a fence and charged bystanders $25 per hammer throw at them and then donated the monies raised to the victims families. Maybe shoot razor blades out of a gun... anything to make these mass murderers suffer immensely.
I can choose to carry a torch of sorrow for their victims for the rest of my life or I can move on and take on what I believe to be life's biggest challenge... changing "adversity" into something positive. I chose to meet adversity head on. People like Dahmer and Gacy are easy targets and if I can convert the sorrow they caused into actually putting a smile on someone else's face, then I believe I am meeting my life's "goal" and making use of whatever "talent" the Lord bestowed on me.
So think of me what you will. I know this blog is not everyone's "cup of tea." For those of you who requested designation as a "friend" on this blog site, I can understand if you've changed your mind and don't want your "name" associated with mine in any way. I am not sure if you have the "power" to remove the "friend" designation yourself, but I know I can, looking over the options available. I will not be offended. Simply send me a message.
I believe the Lord put all of us on the earth for a purpose (though I'm not sure what people like Dahmer and Gacy's purposes were) and that my purpose was to try and help other people laugh--- if only for a few moments and enjoy life a little better for a few seconds. So hopefully this blog will allow me to reach a few of those people.
I remember attending weekly church gatherings with school classmates when moves like "Jesus Christ Superstar" and "Godspell" came out. They were dead set against these presentations... arguing that they did not accurately reflect the Bible. I argued that while they might not be to the letter, they were exposing the Good Book to groups of people who otherwise might never have walked down that path.
So peace to all of you and I hope you enjoy laughter in whatever means you can find it. As Readers Digest put it... 'Laughter is the best medicine."
Oh.... and I realize this blog is not postal related. I post about rural carrier and USPS issues on a daily basis on the quick topic discussion boards and have been doing so since 2002. That is the forum I chose for that topic. Initially I'm using this space in attempt to cause a few smiles.
Just a reminder to your younger readers.... Tapping your heels together three times doesn't necessarily mean your going to end up in Kansas.
Sincerely,
(Former) Senator Larry Craig
Mens Room, Minnesota
P.S. Since I'm being forced to leave office, I've decided to start my own business. Stay tuned for exciting news about a lineup of new Senator Craig endorsed products, like tap shoes and soap on a rope.
Dear Sirs,
I'm getting sick and tired of hearing about those starving kids in Africa and elsewhere, bitching about that mashed potato slop they have to eat.
That ain't nothing compared to what I have to eat night after night.
Yours Truly,
Kelli O'Donnel
Rosie O'Donnels life partner
Dear Sirs,
Dear Sirs,
A lot of people have asked me what really went on between me and President Bill Clinton, but I'm not telling. My lips are sealed.
Dear Sirs, I don't understand the big fuss over that Don Imus fella. You should have seen all of the "Ho's" at my funeral.
Sincerely, Don Ho No More Bubbles, Deadsville
Dear Sirs, Just to let you know, we don't take this whole Don Imus and Hoes thing lightly. In fact our attorneys are preparing a possible slander lawsuit right now, as we speak.
With Regards, The Hostess Ho-Ho's In Your Grocers' snack cake section
Dear Sirs, I'm so hungry right now.... I could eat a horse. I guess that bitch in 321-A will have to do.
Yours Truly, Jeffrey Dahmer In Your grocers' meat section
P.S. Anybody got a toothpick?
Dear Sirs, Let me tell you about Dahmer and John Gacy. I happened to be in the cell next to them at one time or another.
Dahmer's favorite joke was about this refrigerator repairman who never got to finish the job. Although from what Dahmer told me.... he DID get his FOOT in the DOOR.
Now Gacy was a jokester too... although he did claim to be innocent. Gacy was a part-time clown with the make up and everything. Young men would come over to his house and ask him to perform magic tricks... so he made them disappear.
Sincerely, Joey Buttafuco The Wharf
Dear Sirs, Did you know that Lizards also like to use illegal drugs? According to a recent study, their "drug of choice" is "Mary-guana." I think I just shit myself laughing.
Sincerely, A Budweiser Frog Andhideher Bush, St Louey, Missouri
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Dear Sirs, Why does everybody always say, 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach???" The way to his heart is through his chest. Then add some salt for seasoning.
Sincerely, Jeffrey Dahmer Hell
Dear Sirs, Did you hear the one about the malato, the elephant mans' bones and a chimpanzee in a circle jerk?
We didn't think so.
Sincerely, Michael Jackson's Lawyers Rockin Pnuemonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu
Dear Sirs, Good thing I took the time to run Nicole's sunglasses back over to her. Her eyes looked a little "blood shot" that night.
Sincerely, Ron Goldman It Only Hurts when I lift my head, Maryland
Dear Sirs, Since my new book wasn't "published" afterall, I thought I'd share an excerpt. Page 12 If I killed Ron and Nicole I'm not sure who I would have killed first. Let's just say it's neck and neck.
Sincerely, O-J Looking for the REAL killers, Florida
Dear Sirs, Did you know that if Pinnocio was a bird, he'd probably be a "woodpecker."
Sincerely, Lenny Bruce Long Gone, I-da-ho
Dear Sirs, I happen to know Pinnocio and he's no bird. He does have a "wood(en) pecker" though. I know, I have the splinters in my mouth to prove it.
Yours Truly, Charlie McCarthy End of Edgar Bergen's arm, Nev-a-again ----------------- DEAREST SIRS An orange and a Pear walk into a bar and the orange tells the bartender, "say barkeep, I'd like a Strawberry Marquirita and my partner here wants a Banana Dacquiri." To which the bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve...fruit... drinks... here!"
That one gets em every tiime. Call me, I've got a million of them.
Sincerely, An Apple Orchard View
Dear Sirs, Did you hear the one about the week-old bologna who married a two week old box of chinese food? They insisted on the box of baking soda being the "best man."
Yours Truly, The Potato with 47 "eyes" In the back of your Fridge, I-da-hoe
Dear Sirs, You want to hear some Hollywood gossip? What do you get when you drop actress Reese Witherspoon into a meat grinder?
Reese's pieces.
Sincerely, Pat O'Brien I'll take a Coke and some more Coke, Ima-ho
Dear Sirs, Did you see that the authorities finally released my autopsy report? According to the coroner, I died from "water on the brain."
Yours Truly, John Denver Rocky Mountain dead
Dear Sirs, What do you call a sitcom about two black boys... one tall and the other a midget, plus a white trash sister who all masterbate constantly?
Different Strokes.
Sincerely, Conrad Bain Never to get another role again, California
Dear Sirs, I think something should be done about the media's news coverage. All we ever read about are injuries from wars, accidents, and criminals.
Sincerely, A Paper Cut -------------------
Dear Sirs, As a member of PETA I was quite pleased to hear that Taco Bell was removing "trans fat" from its food. However I'm still concerned over the slaughter of innocent taco's. Yours Truly, Betty White In the drawer below Alan Ludden
Dear Sirs, Gosh this trim-spa diet really does work! I've lost 25 pounds and 4 inches off of my waist since I keeled over last month.
Sincerely, Anna Nicole Smith In A Box, Bahama-mama
Dear Sirs, Why is everyone always concerned about McCauley Caulkin and all the other kids who have visited Michael Jackson at "neverland". Have you ever taken a look at what my ass looks like?
Bubbles the Chimp NeverAgainLand ---------------------------- Dear Sirs, I've been having so much sex lately, it feels like my dick is going to fall off.
Sincerely, John Wayne Bobbit Fire In the Hole, Mass.
Dear Sirs, Just a reminder to keep your eye on the prize.
Sincerely, Sammy Davis Jr. Sandy Duncan Lisa "Left eye" Lopes Ican'tseeyou, Montana
Dear Sirs, Just wanted you to be the first one to know. I'm going to marry Dodie Fayed. But because of my title we're going to use parts of BOTH of our last names.
Yours Truly, Princess Died Tunnel Of Love, Paris
Dear Sirs, I'm just writing to tell you that I think that the last letter you printed from my former wife was in extremely bad taste. But I have to admit it sure gave me and the boys a good chuckle... and Camilla almost knocked over her pail of oats.
Prince Charles Lindsey, Buckingham palace ---------------------------
Dear Sirs, I read, with great interest and empathy, your story last month about how distraught and heartbroken Mrs. Simmons has been since her son, Richard, disappeared without a trace. My Dicky is missing too. Sincerely, John "Wayne" Bobbit Bitchcutitoff, Massachusettes
Dear Sirs, I've got some bad news for those terrorists who believe that when they die, they will be greeted in Heaven by "dozens of virgins." Wilt Chamberlain died several years ago. There are NO virgins up here.
yours truly, Johnny Wadd Leftovers, Maryland
Dear Sirs, We hate to disagree with someone as notable as Peter Marshall, but on a recent episode of "the Hollywood Squares," he said that the best way to stop your parents from yelling at you was to "clean your room." "X" Should have gotten the square. That's not the answer WE came up with. Sincerely, The Menendez Brothers Cell Block H, San Quentin
