First, I'd like to thank you guys for letting me know the blog eating monster is on the loose, so I'll be sure to do plenty of periodic highlighting and copying!
:)
Let me to tell before I begin that I LOVE animals, so don't think that I'm a wicked person!
Most of you know how I feel about the office situation and the people in it. For the past few months, we've had a dog coming around the office. We know it's from a few houses away and she keeps getting loose. Sometimes she has her identity collar with name and number, and other times she has one of several other collars or none at all. She even had a body harness on one day. Looks like the owner is at his wits end trying to find a way to keep the little Houdini home when he's working. I'm not sure what kind of dog she is, she's a dark golden brown with a blackish nose and eyes, very short hair and a really sleek thin body.
UGH! Don't EVER do a yahoo image search on "types of dogs", you will NOT find what you are looking for....ugh...going...to....VOMIT.
ANYWAY....
One day the dog shows up with one of those metal choke collars on with the long prong spike thingies lining the inside. Looks mighty barbaric. PM freaks out and has the cleaning man go home to get some bolt cutters so she can break it off the dog's neck.
It wasn't a day or two after that, she received an email from the great eyes in the sky about the no animal policy at the PO. Somehow someone found out about the dog.
She has ignored it and ever since we have all had to put up with this dog under our feet every day for several months.
We have a refridgerator at work, so the PM treats this dog like a living garbage disposal. "Oh, she's STARVED, look how she gobbled up the food and doesn't get full!"
The dog is NOT starved. Her ribs and bones are NOT showing. She has just been given an entire pack of hotdogs, last weeks chicken salad, your fish and hush puppy plate from day before yesterday, a box of fried chicken, half a box of treats you buy for her on top of a couple cans of cheap dog food you buy with it, that dog will eat til she BURSTS, because she is a DOG.
She feeds the dog like this everyday. And it's not only her. Her a$$ kissers do it to.
Not only are they feeding the dog, they are trying to GIVE HER AWAY to everyone. They think she needs to be saved, and they treat her like she's part of the of the PO team.
Let me tell you. The dog stinks, gets fleas in my work area that will hitch a ride home to my flea-free residence (that costs a FORTUNE to keep flea free with 5 cats!--$10+ each every month), she tries to swipe your breakfast, lunch, and snacks from your desk, she gets under your feet when you are carrying things...
And the MISERY I have in having to endure the BABY TALK to this creature is nauseating to say the least. I can't stand my PM. Having to listen to her and watch her treat this animal better than she treats her employess is crushing my nerves.
What's worse is this dog nearly gets busted on the highway running to our office every morning for handouts! She's really gonna regret it when she has to drive around the body of an innocent animal she's been luring to our workplace. That dog has a home and she needs to realize that.
I love animals, but dang it, If I wanted to have one between my legs all day I'd have become a circus clown.
I think we all have a horrible case of the summer lazies...
I sneak into work early, fly through my route and get home as soon as possible so I can immediately do as much nothing as possible to make the rest of the day drag by. Other than going to the gym, watching the olympics, piddling with some window art, and tons of summer reading, I don't do much else lately. The computer managed to suck me in today because I found myself too lazy to lift my body from this chair and move it to the other chair directly in front of the tv 10 feet away. Pathetic? Sure. But it's the summer lazies, I'm allowed :P
I'm sure my tile will be in next week to start the backsplash in the kitchen...I actually sanded the walls and ceiling this week (only to turn the kitchen into what resembled a winter wonderland--what a chore THAT was to clean up...) and then I will paint. Can't wait.
There is another mousie on the loose. Kitties have spotted him swiping food from their bowl, but it's gone before I can get a glimpse. I know it's a mouse, because low and behold there is a convenient little mousie hole about 12 inches from the kitty bowl behind some boxes I have had sitting there. Five kitties and an apparent super mouse, what's a girl to do. I don't like traps. Maybe I should get a live trap and dump it across the street under the abandoned house. Maybe I have too much of the summer lazies...
I expect we'll all be on here in the next few months rattling away about the PO...so much I have to say about it lately, but I'm just too dang lazy to type it....ugh...losing finger strength...whew....need....couch and......remote.
1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'
4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants, and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, and almonds.
6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
12. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
17. Forgive everyone for everything.
18. What other people think of you is none of your business.
19. GOD heals everything.
20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.
24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
25. Please Forward this to everyone you care about. I did.
Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young In a world of magnets and miracles Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary The ringing of the division bell had begun
Along the Long Road and on down the Causeway Do they still meet there by the Cut
There was a ragged band that followed our footsteps Running before time took our dreams away Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground To a life consumed by slow decay
The grass was greener The light was brighter With friends surrounded The nights of wonder
Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again Dragged by force of some inner tide
At a higher altitude with flag unfurled We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world
Encumbered forever by desire and ambition There's a hunger still unsatisfied Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon Though down this road we've been so many times
The grass was greener The light was brighter The taste was sweeter The nights of wonder With friends surrounded The dawn mist growing The water flowing The endless river
I got this in an email, it was hillarious, thought you girls would get a kick out of it!
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The Home Wax Kit
My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Finish laundry, fix dinner, have a glass of wine, e-mail the grandkids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours.
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet before I go to bed' So I headed to the site of my demise 'the bathroom'.
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax...all you do is just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or whatever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss....how hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I can follow directions and I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK !?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out.
It's two strips facing each other stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius 'kicks in' so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
(Cold wax, 'Yeah right') I Lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
IT WORKS! O.K.
, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't tooooo bad. I can do this, I say to myself with a proud smile.
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am SHE-RA, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of the smooth skin (Extraordinaire)! With my next strip I move north.
I prep for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretch down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).
I inhale deeply and brace myself .......RRRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPP!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY OH MY!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the Strip.
CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted with bright stars.
I think I may pass out...M U S T S t a y C O n S c I O U S...... M U S t- S t a y...... Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe ____ _______ ______ O.K..... Back to normal! I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip! There is NO hair on it!!! Where is the hair??? W H E R E I S T H E W A X ????? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... IT'S NOT! I touch--- I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
I found the Hair... I found the WAX!!! Then I make the next BIG mistake....remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut!!! My butt is sealed shut!!! SEALED SHUT !@!#*! (not even air can get in there)! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do ! and thin k to myself.
P L E A S E-- PLEASE don't let me get the urge to poop! ..... 'My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? WHAT MELTS WAX? My brain is scrambling.
HOT WATER!!! Hot water melts wax.
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub... Get in.
I immerse the wax covered parts and the wax should just melt and then I can gently wipe it off, right? Yeah that will work! WRONG!!! I get in the tub, the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water!!! Which, by the way........ doesn't melt cold wax!!! So - now, I am stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!! God bless my adult kids who had convinced me a few months ago to bring my cell phone everywhere, even to the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter....'So my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub! There is a slight pause....she doesn't know any secret tricks for hair removal under water but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located.
She says are we talking cheeks or hole or ho o-ha?' She is laughing out loud by now... I can hear her!!! There is no shame in her disregard for my pain ...she is rolling over with laughter. ....I wait.
I give her the run down and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!! Right!!! I say .. I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various possible solutions.
I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.
N O T H I N G feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in cold wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub, in scalding hot water, and then - try dry shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I am pretty sure I am going to need 'Post Traumatic Stress' counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me and then I finally see my saving grace...THE BOX.. .
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax! What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY -- OH - OH MOMMASITTA !!@*! The scream probably woke my husband and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's soooo painful, but I really don't care.
It feels like an earthquake is forcing my flesh apart.
IT WORKS!!! It works!!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up laughing while trying to sound soulfully sincere.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair......THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...............
AHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! I thought this was hilarious. Hope you all enjoy it.
