Leaving Provo will be hard.   I have put in a lot of effort getting to know everybody.  I pretty much know the names of 100+ clerks, mailhandlers, and supervisors.  I hate moving, when I was a kid I think I went 10 different schools in 13 years.  I never got used to it thought

so just how personal are blogs supposed to be?  You are all strangers.... I guess I can say anything I want.   I think I am depressed.   My wife is pregnant, unexpectedly.  She gets very very sick during pregnancy. It will be our second child, and out last.  Her last prenancy was miserable for both of us, and this one- two months into it- is just as bad so far.  Maybe worse.  She is constantly nauseous.  That is in addition to the morning sickness.  She is so sick that she cannot take care of our daughter Anna.    Stef can only lay in bed.   When ever I am not at work I am the primary caregiver of my 14 month old daughter.  all of the diaper changes, meals, baths.... every time she gets in to something... i have to take care of it.  because stef can't. In fact I go to work at 4 p.m., we have to get a baby-sitter to watch anna until about 9 p.m.   Then anna comes home and goes to bed.  Stef goes to bed.  then I come home and go to bed.  When I wake up the baby is crying... she has been in her crib for 12 hours.  I get her up, change her feed her.  Stef wakes up.  She needs a drink, breakfast, the remote control, her phone.....  I get it for her.     So I also take care of my wife too.  all of her needs.     I can't do this for seven more months.  I cant'.  We are going to have to move soon.  last time she was pregnant we had to move.... and she couldn't help at all.  no packing, no cleaning.  some neighbors from our church came so we could get packed.      that might have to happen this time too.  when i get home from work i can't clean.  i just care for anna...  I don't have any energy.... no wait.  i don't have any desire to.  i just don't care. 

so now what?   i was on anti depressants like six years ago for a while.   i don't think it made me feel any different.  I could call the EAP.    maybe i will.  i probably need someone to talk to.  I already feel better by typing this out.

is anybody really happy in life?  Do you make your plans, then follow through and hope for the best?  how do you fix something that is broken?   how do you know if it is broken?  people say money doens't buy happines but is can cause misery. how do you know if anything could be better?   is the outward happiness of other people fake?  should i fake it if i don't feel it?  the only thing i know is that life isnt' what it is cracked up to be.

So I decided to transfer.  It is an office about 45 miles away... I will be a PTF....  but I think that everything will work out.  People has said to make a choice and never look back... I've heard all sorts of horror stories about management at office.  I know the bosses at my office aren't the greatest in the world, but I at least know what to expect.  We have a repoir (is that spelled right?), I was a 204-b for a year and I have had extensive interaction with al of the supervisors and the Plant Manager all of the way up to the Post Master, and I have even been personally introduced to the MDO as well. I like that sort of thing, but in my defense...  I think I was a pretty good 204-B.  People have told me that they missed me when I stopped. I bossed on the weekend when there were no Supervisor or anybody else there but me.  I could treat employees as nice as I wanted to with no repercussions.  But I always got the mail out.  I even tried to minimize Overtime.  But it is hard the be the wolf that breaks free from the pack.  I stayed as far away from discipling people as possible. I digress though.  I know my supervisors, and they don't jerk me around.... I'd like to think it is out of respect, but I know it is because I have enough resources to defend myself.  Plus some of them know that I could do their job just as well if not better than them.  They leave me alone.  I don't want to be a supervisor as a career though.  It is thankless, and upermanagement won't let people be good managers, so you just end up with bad managers who get 204-b's and train them to be bad supervisors.    

But I will tell the office tomorrow that I am going to transfer.  My wife will be happy.  It was a hard decision because their was not an obvious wrong or right answer.  One was not even significantly better than the other.  Give up regular status to move forty five miles away??   But commuting would suck.  2+ hours a day.. and if I worked OT then I would be gone 12 - 14 hours a day.  I just don't want to live life as a commuter.    The new office said I would work between 40-45 hours a week and I think that he was estimating low. So I am not worried about hours.  Now I am worried about having to be window trained and having to learn 3 city schemes.   But I can do it,  I can do anything.

should I transfer?  lose all of my seniority and my job and days off just to live where my wife wants?   people say if i am going to transfer than i should do it now...  ahhh!   i don't know.  i have to decide by monday.   monday monday monday.  i think that transfering is inevitable.   stef will never be happy here. i also don't feel that provo is home.  no familly.  the onlything down here is work..   but i just don't want to be a ptf again.   but maybe that is a sacrifice i should make for my family....