If 2008 was supposed to be The Year of the Rat, it looks like 2009 will be The Year of the Fruitcake for me. In November, I left the Rats from the Postal Service (along with my good co-workers too) to venture off on my own. After only six weeks, it is still too early to know if I made the right decisions or not - but for now it feels good.

Last year, I celebrated New Years Eve in downtown Denver in a rowdy night club on the 16th Street Mall. The owners apparently wanted to give the club a Times Square atmosphere by having all us groped, pinched and pick-pocketed and the  champagne had the aftertaste of apple juice and Alka Seltzer. Of course, heavy partying and New Year's never mixes well. Just take a look at Beth's cat wearing a fruit helmet. Um....too much champagne and catnip perhaps? The ending of the celebration was complete with fireworks and a lighted ball that dropped after the countdown.

If I really wanted to watch a ball drop - I would watch a Denver Broncos game. Those were some disappointing last 3 games to see. But this year, I simply stayed at home with my dogs and watched D|ck Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve.

Ever since I can remember, D|ck Clark has always been on TV on New Years' Eve. Even after a massive stoke about four years ago, D|ck Clark has managed to have enough intestinal fortitude to press on with his dreams. Although his speech is still slow, he is still articulate and has enough compassion to give his sweetheart, Carrie, a New Years kiss. I still think of D|ck Clark as Mr. New Years Eve - not Ryan Seacrest.

Speaking of people named Carrie. SHE'S BACK!! Welcome back to our small family on here, Carrie. You left while I took a small hiatus from this site. I knew Carrie had a page on MySpace and I actually went over there to leave her a comment. The problem was, you have to sign up and have a MySpace page to leave a comment. While I was on MySpace, I realized that I am slowly turning into my father. When I was growing up, my dad would yell, "Mark! Turn down that effing stereo! Everyone in New Orleans doesn't want to listen to your music!"

That is one of the reasons I prefer Postal Profiles over MySpace. Sure, a few people have music playing - but they have good taste in songs played. I went to visit a different MySpace page, and suddenly; my speakers were blaring with the song - "My Achy Breaky Heart." After prying my fingers off of the ceiling, I quickly hit the "mute" button to kill the sounds of that wretched filth.

As I am writing the blog, I caught someone's flu bug going around town here. I rarely get colds or fevers, but when I do - the symptoms seem different from the last snork fest that I had. This morning, I went to my medicine cabinet to find out that all of my drugs have expired. But this also made me think - do drugs really expire? Do they turn into poison or are they just less effective?

Drugs have a long list of horrible side effects such as death and four-hour erections. And that's what happens before they expire! But last night, I was very congested and went to my medicine cabinet to find a bottle of Actifed Cough Syrup (expired: November 2008.) Should I risk my own life and drink the cough syrup? With anything in life, I decided to take a chance.

While laying in my bed, listening to a Skeptics of the Universe podcast - I was waiting for the end to come soon. But, suddenly, aahhhh......I was breathing normal again! I woke up feeling fine to open up my shop this morning.

To let you know, I didn't just ingest that cough syrup for me! Oh no....I did it for all of you on Postal Profiles with much pride - and with phlegm. You can all rest assured that in these tough economic times, you don't need to throw your money down the drain on "fresh" cough syrup. The expired stuff works just as well as long as you spit out those crusty little chunks. If you can work with postal equipment that is 40 years out of date - surely, two month old expired cough syrup is just as safe. Me thinks the pharmecutical companies have a wonderful scam going on with these expired medications.

I mean, really, wasn't the wonder drug "pencillin" discovered in a stinky, moldy petri dish?  

Hello, my name is Joanie and I am Mark's faithful shar-pei. Apparently, my master is too darn lazy to write a blog on here so I suppose it is up to me. I don't know about the rest of you, but this weather is so darn cold. We got almost 3 feet of snow during Christmas week - but I love to run around outside even if there is over 30 inches of snow.

I am wearing my winter fur and I love to chase the squirrels out of our backyard. Can imagine those darn cats trying to live up here? Hogwash! Have you ever seen a bunch of cats pulling a dogsled? I don't think so!! They are pu$$ie$!! And that is how that phrase got its meaning. But I live with lazy men. Of course, there is Diablo - the world's laziest chihuahua. All he does is sleep and pass gas. Even his woo-hoo is tucked beneath his hind legs. He should be an effing cat!!

Diablo just stays inside and sleeps or hides under the blanket on the couch or hides in my master's bed. He can't figure out why people accidently sit on him when he is hiding from the cold. Dumb dog! I live around a bunch of lazy men. This is 2008!! Us females don't sit at home waiting for Ward Cleaver to get home from work so we can cook his dinner or clean the skid marks out of his undies. We have a life too!! I know of female dog owners that actually earn more than their husbands, but they still have to do all of the cooking and clean up the house.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put a remote control between his toes! How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows, it has never happened before!!

You may ask where this pent-up anger came from? Well, it started when I thought my master was a true dog-lover. My doggie confederate, Skippy, took a quick snapshot of one of my master's cakes in the kitchen of his shop.

It's a cake in the shape of an effing furball cat!! What a traitor!! I might just drop a deuce in one of his famous kitty litter cakes and watch the fun!! If his bakery doesn't pan out - he might just jump ship and see what brown can do for him at UPS. I told my master that he saw enough brown-nosing at the USPS - don't do it! Don't see what brown can do for you.

Take my word for it, when my master is not at work. He just lies around the house sleeping as much as Diablo. My master is so lazy he sticks his nose out the window and lets the Colorado winter wind blow it. Oh sure, he is good with those effing photo ops!!

Oh yeah, sure, pose nice and pretty with those 20-something humans at their engagement party and eat their expensive catered food while Diablo and I have to settle for Kibbles and Bits.  Then you come home and lounge around in your boxer shorts watching ESPN with your two day beard and beer breath. Uh-huh.....

Gone are the days where a powerful pit-bull could intimidate a cute female poodle into a relationship. We don't want a lazy chihuahua or a sleeping male master in bed watching his Denver Broncos game. We are looking for the same things now - a nice body and a charming person.

As I look at my younger brother Diablo, half-awake and peeking out from under the covers as my master goes to work - it only lets me know:

This female shar-pei thinks that men are losing their power. The shrinking pool of eligible educated men is small and adds fuel to the fire of you single guys finding a soulmate - especially during this Holiday season. Diablo has been lucky in finding love with our neighbor's chihuahua, Bambi.

Diablo has the hots for a "blonde" chihuahua. Unbelievable!! And that is why those human blonde jokes are so short.....so you human men can understand them.

But with all of these lazy-azz men that I have to put up with this holiday season, and my master bitching about starting his new business and his financial uncertainties, there is one thing I know.

My master used to be a postal clerk and lived within his means - never bowing before those who had more money or power in the USPS. Even when we lived in a tiny downtown Denver condo. Diablo and I lived within a houseful of love, laughter, security and love.

Perhaps, I should sell this idea to Hallmark for their next year's set of Christmas cards.

Loving pawprints (") (")

Joanie

I suppose I should have named the last blog - Last Blog As a Postal Worker...

First of all, I wanted to thank you all for the heartfelt comments and messages you left me. I will be on this site from time to time just to see how all of you are doing. My new business is doing great, but there are aspects of this venture where I still feel like an untrained PTF. December is a crazy month do learn a lot of on-the-job training. Several of my former co-workers have stopped by to wish me luck. Most of them, bought a small item and went on there way. A few of my former co-workers who had never said "Hello" or "kiss my ass" or "toss my salad" or "lick my beefcake", stopped by only out of curiosity  to see if I left the Postal Service for the reasons I told folks.

Now that I am a Postal customer and not an employee, I am already perceiving a different perspective about the World's Largest Federally Funded Mental Institute. Brian Sheffield, who was my former co-worker is now my letter carrier at my bakery. Brian fills me in on the latest gossip. I set aside a cup of strong black coffee and an apple fritter for him when he delivers my mail. OurLadyOfGuacamole can tell you it has been super cold in Colorado. It's been so cold that Dolly Parton's nips have poked out 17 eyes and my balls need replacing. Along the Main Street area where I work, the public's perception of the USPS is FAR more positive than what you hear at work. It appears that all of the local businesses prefer the USPS over FedEx or UPS. They are all small businesses like mine want to save money and prefer the less expensive USPS. Programs like Customer Connect and RuralReach are fine, but I believe where we lose the most business is on the internet. Many dot.com companies don't even offer USPS delivery. I blame all of the marketing VPs that PMG JackPot hired years ago in not doing there job and to foresee the future.

A small anecdote, but this one is true: A mom and a little girl walked into my shop and saw Brian with his LLV crammed with gift-wrapped parcels. The girl asked her mom "If Santa brings all of our presents down the chimney than how come the mailman has a truck full of presents?"

In the short time that I have been away from the site - I have noticed some things. First, one of the three messages I received was from a pretty blonde named Anne from Phoenix who has been on here longer than I have. Did I write too many blogs at 3 AM not to notice her? Thank you for your message Anne. I also noticed a Cliff Claven character named Archie. I wished you were on here when I was a regular on this site. You seem like a fun person to know and, wow, has Daisy Duke changed - I remember when she soooo hott! And, Kathy from Fort Collins - tsk, tsk - you put your profile on here AFTER I quit the P.O. For shame!! LOL. I received another message from my good friend SuperSub about how this Postal Profiles is slowly becoming a ghost town. No way! We can't let this happen! Apparently, there are those that fear retribution from management if they write blogs on here.

In reality, my former station manager stumbled upon my blogs where I occasionally wrote satire about management - it was just too damned easy. He didn't like everything that I wrote but as the union steward I reminded him that reprimanding me for "exercising my First Amendment in writing a blog in jest" would qualify as top honors in the APWU grievance Hall of Shame. I love to write and I don't want to be another Postal Profiles lurker.

Remember all of those wise sayings you used to hear from momma. Mom-isms like:

-If you fall and break your back, don't come running to me.
-If you dont stop playing with it its gonna fall off.
-If you keep making that face, it will stick!

I agree with SuperSub, we need more people to write blogs on here. Here are a few of my own "mom-isms" I wish to share with you.

-If you don't write a blog your computer will freeze here.
-Yes, dear... God is watching you when you don't write a blog...
-I don't care if everyone else is reading without blogging... if everyone else was jumping off a bridge, would you do that too?

So if you're a lurker here, please do think about your future... and consider writing us a blog.

Of course, I wrote the last part tongue-in cheek. Lurkers are as valued as those that write blogs, depending on where/how they came as well as the amount of time spent on specific pages. In fact, I like lurkers - I imagine them to be very famous and influential people who don't want to reveal themselves or their true feelings for me. :) I also realize that this is the most hectic time of year and we are all busy.

By the way, the third message stated that my last photo received an unusual amount of views. I am bad about clicking the photo page on the site - so I had to take a look. By God, Kathy was right!!! The next time I ever put a photo on the site I will make sure to dress up and consume alcohol. Right on with the light on!

Merry Christmas to you all and holiday cheers - from the bottom of my champagne glass.

At least it will be my last blog - for now.......

I have been away from this website for almost a month because there have been changes in my life. November 7th was the last day that I wore my window clerk uniform. Officially, my last day with the U.S. Postal Service was November 21st.

Because of certain opportunities that have occured, I decided to take a chance on leaving my postal job to open up a business for myself. This is something that I have thought of doing several times before, but when I read statistics like 60% of first-time businessess failing in the first three years; I would get cold feet and stay with the more secure Postal Service.

My last day at work felt good, strange and sad at the same time. It felt good because I will be starting a new chapter in my life. Strange, because I'm leaving something I've come to know so well to venture off into a somewhat unknown future. Sad, because I will be leaving behind some actual good memories and there will be people that I know I will be missing because for a big part of my day I have spent 13 years with some of my co-workers. Of course, there will be a very small percentage of people whom I won't miss at all. I guess it is the people you get to know as co-workers and customers that have somehow touched your life, the different relationships that you build with them - the good times and even the bad times - that gets to you.

The small business that I am opening is a bakery and art gallery in the same building. To give you an idea of what my business is, I have recently started my website although it is still rough looking because there have been more pressing details in starting this business. My website is: www.markbivens.net

Why did I take this drastic step? Despite the bad economic times we are in, the timing just felt appropriate, all of the omens were right, the stars were in the right place too or whatever else you believe in. I was also offered some financial help in opening my bakery/art gallery from some of long-time customers that I met while I was a window clerk.

Starting out, I will be working more hours at my shop and, realistically, I will probably be making LESS money than I would as a postal clerk. But I will get to choose which long hours that I will work. I will chose to run my business completely different than model of post office which is now based on attaining only riches. I plan on building wealth. There is a difference between riches and wealth. Riches are based on tangibles such as bonuses and how much cash you can pump into your bank account. Wealth is based on intangibles such as independence and respect for others and yourself.

I had so many fantasies of how I was going to spend my last day in the Postal Service. But, I didn't follow through on any of those temptations. I do not want to burn any bridges in case my business doesn't work out.

I have met a lot of wonderful people on Postal Profiles and will be back on here from time to time - but it won't be as frequent. My job with the P.O. and serving the APWU was actually fun, but the work environment certainly could use some improvement

I know the most people care about their jobs on this site from their blogs and comments or the messages that I have received in my inbox over time. I wish all of you the best of luck at work and with your lives.

Goodbye for now.

Mark

As I was preparing to close my window and to do the 1412 work of finalizing my co-worker's receipts and money, I heard a customer in the lobby area banging on the APC machine. I walked towards the customer to ask her what was the problem.

"Those brilliant minds within your management who decided to get rid of the stamp machines are a bunch of idiots!! All I want to purchase is a first class stamp for a letter."

What seems to be the problem, I asked.

"First of all, I have to put my bank card in this machine before I get a total for my purchase. It's like signing a blank check to a complete stranger. I want the total first before I give you people permission to take the money out of my account."

Actually, this customer brought up a valid point.

"Anyways, I put my card in this machine and touch the screen where it says "first class domestic letter" and look at the price I am given - forty two dollars and ninety eight cents."

She cancelled the transaction and began again. The same total appeared on the APC - forty two dollars and ninety eight cents. I told her that I would use my 1412 terminal and sell her a single stamp.

"Never mind, young man," she said, "I noticed that your machine works if I purchase a book of stamps. I will pay the $8.40 instead. I think your post office is in cahoots with the Bush Administration in taking all of our hard earned money to bailout those crooks on Wall Street!!"

Yes, this really happened at work today. The REAL problem was that our APC machine wasn't working properly and it was shut down after this transaction. And no, the Postal Service is not in "cahoots with Bush Administration" although I could empathize with the customer's frustration.

For some reason, there are those that believe that everything in life is surrounded by a deep dark conspiracy. There seems to be a large dose of this going on amongst the internet message boards and blogs. I was reading Tom's blog concerning a message from "Tsunami" who wrote a message on the letter carrier's message board. Tsunami writes that this came from an "area meeting." What area? Who knows? Coincidentally, he writes about the same "talking points" that were discussed at last summer's APWU Convention in Las Vegas. Perhaps, Tsunami truly believed he was doing the right thing in informing us about some undisclosed plans of the USPS. I thank Tom for including a follow up blog from a PostalMag reader who is knowledgable about Article 6 concerning layoffs within the craft.

When any of us write blogs or messages on the internet we have the responsibilty to include the source of information where we obtained the words we write. Some people believe that anything written on the internet is the gospel truth unless it has the letters "LOL" written after it. I have read far too much SPECULATION about the USPS' future with no documentation to back up their words.

Agreed, the USPS is arguably in the worst financial mess in its 232 year history. The national economy is facing a recession and the USPS is no longer the main messengers of communication - it is now MSN or AOL or whatever internet server you are using to read my blog.

As workers, the best we can do is to stay focused on our jobs, do our best in times of trouble and wait to see what the PO and our unions can do to get out of this financial mess. If you believe that your union is so far in bed with management that you can't tell whose ass is sticking up higher - than run against him/her in the next election. I became the local APWU president here after only 2 years in the P.O. It isn't that difficult to do. It's a job most people don't want to do so there is very little competition.

Upper management are busy using scare tactics again and this is nothing new. It is a pattern of their behavior to shake the trees of the craft to see what kind of fruits and nuts fall out. With some folks in mangement - intimidation supercedes intelligence. All of this talk of mass layoffs is something that I don't believe will happen. Anthony Vegliante released a statement on LiteBlue today that if any layoffs occur it will start within National Headquarters.

If you are of like mind and believe that management wants their PFP bonuses you will realize that if mass layoffs occur - the mail will be delayed. Overtime will be incurred on the craft and the PFP bonuses will dry up for management.

There are far too many safeguards within our respective National Agreements for mass layoffs to occur. True, there will be jobs abolished and employees excessed to other offices that may need the complement. Currently, the worst case scenario will be the abolishment of Tour 2 employees in preparation for the start-up of the FSS implementation.

But mass layoffs? If anyone on here has written documentation and NOT heresay about this kind of action, please let your union know about this. From my vantage point as an acting local APWU president, I have not seen ANY real documentation about this kind of action.

True, there will be changes AFTER 2010, and unlike what some presidential candidates will tell you - change is NOT always good. But, all of this undocumented SPECULATION does not do any good to anyone - whether you are in craft or management.

Speaking of conspiracies - what happened to Spauldo? Her profile just disappeared!! She dropped of my friend's list and I cannot find her!! Was it the government? Was it management? Was it aliens? OMG!!!

LOL