I just received a message in my inbox. Apparently, my blogs are too long!! I will work on that! :)

If you are fortunate enough to leave your job with the Postal Service to go off on your venture - you will see or hear something that reminds you of your former employer. Yesterday morning, when I was checking my business e-mails for online orders, I noticed a spam e-mail from a company called Synovate. The e-mail begins:

"Dear Business Owner:

How would you like to enhance the environment and culture of your business where customers are valued and employees feel appreciated. Synovate is a global market reserach company that provides research solutions and services to clients in more than 60 countries."

I recently hired my first employee at my bakery and I know if she agrees or disagrees with me. But, delving further on the website, there is a page that states, "Don't just measure - diagnose! Our Synovate business consultants have helped many top businesses get the most out of their investments by improving employee relations. Some key clients include General Motors, Wal-Mart and the United States Postal Service."

Liar, liar! Pants on fire!! Shame on you, Synovate!

I don't fault Synovate. They are just another business trying to make a buck. Synovate is the market research company that writes those "Voice of the Employee" surveys that we all roll our eyes at. I never believed the rumor that managements gets a bonus for how many employees fill out the survey with a straight face. I had two other problems with those VOE Surveys.

1.) The questions are designed to elicit a certain response. For example, if you had to honestly answer the question: "Are all of your co-workers held to the same standard as you are?" Most people would think of the lazy slugs and answer "No." When the supervisor enters the workroom floor cracking the whip he will say, "but you said on the VOE survey you want more discipline."

2.) More wasteful spending by the Postal Service. Has your supervisor ever asked you for your advice on making improvements at your station? In my 13 years with the P.O., I never experienced that. The Postal Nazis feel more comfortable by letting Synovate ask you these slanted questions on a survey. Apparently GM, Wal-Mart and the Postal Circus have big bucks to throw away for something that could be obtained for FREE by simply asking the employee themselves. I can't picture the folks at Synovate losing sleep because certain clerks and carriers have excessive workloads or altered tour schedules.

Since I have been away from here, I noticed that we have a PhD on this site! I was reading Dr. Steve Musacco's blogs on here and I was simply going to leave comments on his blogs along with Beth's blogs and leave. My comment on one of Dr. Steve's articles turned out to be a long blog, so I deleted my comments and will write the abridged version on here.

By the way, I don't mean to brag but I have a college degree myself. I have a Bachelors in Fine Arts - you know what this means? I threw away a lot of money!! My diploma is prominently displayed above my toilet in my upstairs bathroom. Sorry folks, it's a guy thing.....mine is bigger than yours....blah, blah, blah.....

The abridged versions of my comments to Dr. Steve's blogs:

1.) Concerning the Workplace Environment Analyst Position - Being a former clerk and union president from a suburb south of Denver, I had never heard of or met a Workplace Environment Analyst. As you can tell by my geographics, I know about and have personally met Sylvester Black - the man who laughingly talks about executing supervisors over the telecon. At first, I shared the opinion of Helen's comments to your blog. After reading your blog a second time I have to disagree with her. (I still love you, Helen!) I catch myself thinking like that former skeptical APWU official on certain jobs in the Postal Service. It is a very uncommon occurence to see NAPS, NAPUS and the League agreeing on an issue that shows management in a bad light. There needs to be some kind of intervention. In your case, Dr. Steve, you truly seem to be the right man for the WEA position. But, in my opinion, there may be others in that job that do not share your qualifications and honesty.

2.) Reform of the Postal Culture - In my opinion, the entire Postal Service has been operating under the old and outdated autocratic process for too long. Most Fortune 500 company have long abandoned the autocratic management style for a more democratic process. The autocratic style is as old as this pic:

Under the current USPS autocratic management - upper management makes decisions in their own limited view of the organization. Supervisors and even postmasters are totally ignored in the decision making process. The majority of the orders are decided at the District level or by the USPS Board of Governors. In that type of environment, line supervisors and MDOs are carrying out orders in which they may not agree with. Craft workers are viewed as the enemy. No one likes being talked down to and eventually the employees feel like their abilities and opinions don't matter. Eventually, the USPS' goals and aspirations are of no consequence to the employee. In the mentally disturbed mind of someone like Jennifer San Marcos who went a massacre spree in Goleta, CA. - the thoughts are much more darker. On the upper management sector, it is actually possible that PMG JackPot is sheepishly implementing ideas from the Board of Governors that he totally disagrees with. The sole motivation is based on fear.

In the private sector, many Fortune 500 businesses operate under a democratic management style.  Good managers realize that their employees know their jobs. Management delegates and entrusts the workers with the task at hand. Managers becoming connecting links to the workroom floor. Craft workers are no longer the enemy. A good manager utilizes the special abilties of each worker and the reward motivator replaces fear.

I agree with you, Dr. Steve - the Board of Governors has got to go!! Although I am envious of a group that meets shmaybe 2 or 3 times a year and gets paid $36,000 a year! This is one of best scams since those ExtenZe commercials.

Once again, I have rambled on too long. But just to let Dr. Steve know - although I am an ex-postal worker I actually placed an order on Amazon.com for his book. www.amazon.com/exec/obido... (Free plug - no charge.) But I have to ask Dr. Steve if he has ever read a book by Dr. Norman Dixon entitled "Psychology of Military Incompetence." I received this book from a former supervisor ten years ago. There are similarities in the book on the current management style of the P.O.

I must end this blog by letting you know that a couple of my former co-workers told me that the station manager "Morgan Mindy" is leaving and asked me if I could bake her a going away cake. There are good supervisors and bad supervisors and I believe that "Morgan Mindy" was the latter. I told my friends to save their money. All they have to do is spend $10 (plus shipping and handling) on this handy dandy gadget.

For only $10, according to the ad on TV, you too can have soft sexy feet. The ad features a gorgeous woman sitting on the sofa using this cheese grater on her piddies. She smiles at the camera and opens up the Ped-Egg. She dumps out these dead skin shavings that look exactly like finely grated parmesan cheese. Bon appetit!!

Have you eaten breakfast yet? Are you eating it now? Oops, my bad.......

I have been slowly attempting to close the Postal chapter of my life and start anew with the new chapter of my life as a small business owner. After 13 years in my old Postal gig, it seems to be harder than I thought. As a former APWU steward, I have learned that I built up a large online network of people whom advice I had sought, or postal people who wanted an answer to a question.

With all this talk of "mass layoffs" and total gloom, doom and despair, I would assume that number one issue would be: when do we get laid-off?" In reality, that is the "number two" subject of these e-mails. I will put on my mask as "former postal worker playing expert" and side with the tiny minority and say that I still don't believe that mass lay-offs will occur. Lay-offs are totally unknown territory for the USPS. Two of the biggest mistakes that APWU Pres. Bill Burrus made was wearing a mask as an apostle for Messiah-elect Barack Obama using the Washington Post as his political platform and churning the mass layoff rumor in his article. That particular article was more of political endorsement and not Union news. Burrus' second mistake was going for the quick and easy contract extension. Apparently, only the late Moe Biller and crew can negotiate a contract as Burrus has never negotiated a contract. Burrus and the NEB decided to not negotiate into the contract to grandfather those of you on the current payroll separately from the current contract. 

There is way to much mis-information about RIF (reduction in force) and "mass lay-offs." RIFs must be approved by the Office of Personnel Management. RIF is RIF and mass layoffs are mass layoffs. They are two totally separate issues. Please read the stipulations on www.opm.gov. Currently, you have the Healy award (Article 6) concerning mass layoffs. Unfortunately, in Article 12, the USPS  does have the right to abolish or excess jobs.

Does anyone on this site truly believe that the USPS have the intelligence or sophistication to arbitrarily layoff certain individuals on a payroll with with 700,000 people? The USPS would have a more effective easier out if they simply declared bankruptcy and asked for a government bailout. All of the current union contracts would become null and void and everyone involved would have to start with a clean slate.

Believe it or not, the number one issue I received in my e-mail concerns those who are being screwed over by FMLA. In this environment of "mass layoffs" there are still many people being screwed over by utilizing FMLA for family members. There are over-zealous supervisors that will wear masks as doctors and will dictate that you do not qualify. There are also some people that have a self-serving union stewards who wears the mask of that "caring big brother" but are only out for themselves. If you are being ignored by either - the reality is - you are on your your own. The answer: call your local Department of Labor office. Just as the USPS needs to take responsibility - if you are alone, you will need to assume responsibilty as well. If your local USPS is in FMLA violation, the DOL will fine them for their deficiencies.

But now, there is a far more pressing issue - my friend Beth says that wearing a large lime helmet is more effective in stopping alien transmissions than last year's tin foil hat. I just cannot find a large enough lime rind helmet to fit over my head. So now, I will wear my mask as "alien scientist" and offer some advice:

- Learn and speak Arabic. A research team at IMUPS (Institute of Making Up Phony Statistics) has proven that there has not been an alien abduction in Iraq and that, possibly, several aliens exist in Baghdad.

- The scientists at IMUPS presumed that aliens never landed at intelligent places like Harvard and Yale but always landed in open rural spaces like Intercourse, Pennsylvania. It is not because these folks are dumb rednecks. Alien spaceships need a lot of room for landing and transporting you back to their planet. So, please avoid these open outdoor redneck places.

- If you are stuck in an outdoor redneck place, always wave a frozen chicken above your head. The aliens will think that such a mentally disturbed Earthling is not worthy of their experiments.

- If you do get abducted by aliens, remain calm!! Aliens will attempt to pick your nose and declare that an intelligent life exists in there. Give the aliens your findings and try to leave quickly!! If the aliens won't leave you alone - bend over and give the aliens more interesting research material. 

I give this advice for free before taking off my mask as a scientific expert.

Speaking of freaky masks - how about that psycho governor from Illinois? Rod Blagojevich certainly put the "guber" into gubernatorial. This dude is so corrupt, he makes the folks at L'Efant Plaza look like angels! The betting online is that his "virgin seat" will go to highest bidder in prison!!

 It simply appears that too many people wear masks. They are in our personal lives and our business lives as well. I will leave you all with a story on masks by that "famed" miltary dude - Major Luke Twice (my advice giving mask):

You see me walking on your workroom floor in a suave and cocky manner. I appear to be looking down my nose at you but don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks -  masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that I learned well, but don't be fooled, I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is well and within me and amongst myself and the brown-nosers of the Postal Who's Who, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.  I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within and so begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front to you. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything - of what's crying within me. Don't be fooled by what I'm saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, but because I am too insecure, there are things I can't say. I hate this hiding, honestly, I hate the superficial games I'm playing, this superficial phony game. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and ME, but you've got to help me, you too have to be genuine so that we communicate. Please don't patronize my mask! If you disagree - grow some balls and tell me!! Just don't pass me by!! It will not be easy for you. A lone conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what Dr. Phil says about us, I am irrational, I fight against the very things that I cry out for, but I am told love is stronger than strong walls. In this lies my hope, my only hope, please help beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands--we are all children of God and we are all sensitive!!

Who am I, you may ask? I am someone you know very well. For I am every postmaster, supervisor and union steward you have ever met. I am your co-worker - whether you are a clerk, carrier or mailhandler. You see me every single day - but I wear my masks so well that you have simply failed to notice. 

If 2008 was supposed to be The Year of the Rat, it looks like 2009 will be The Year of the Fruitcake for me. In November, I left the Rats from the Postal Service (along with my good co-workers too) to venture off on my own. After only six weeks, it is still too early to know if I made the right decisions or not - but for now it feels good.

Last year, I celebrated New Years Eve in downtown Denver in a rowdy night club on the 16th Street Mall. The owners apparently wanted to give the club a Times Square atmosphere by having all us groped, pinched and pick-pocketed and the  champagne had the aftertaste of apple juice and Alka Seltzer. Of course, heavy partying and New Year's never mixes well. Just take a look at Beth's cat wearing a fruit helmet. Um....too much champagne and catnip perhaps? The ending of the celebration was complete with fireworks and a lighted ball that dropped after the countdown.

If I really wanted to watch a ball drop - I would watch a Denver Broncos game. Those were some disappointing last 3 games to see. But this year, I simply stayed at home with my dogs and watched D|ck Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve.

Ever since I can remember, D|ck Clark has always been on TV on New Years' Eve. Even after a massive stoke about four years ago, D|ck Clark has managed to have enough intestinal fortitude to press on with his dreams. Although his speech is still slow, he is still articulate and has enough compassion to give his sweetheart, Carrie, a New Years kiss. I still think of D|ck Clark as Mr. New Years Eve - not Ryan Seacrest.

Speaking of people named Carrie. SHE'S BACK!! Welcome back to our small family on here, Carrie. You left while I took a small hiatus from this site. I knew Carrie had a page on MySpace and I actually went over there to leave her a comment. The problem was, you have to sign up and have a MySpace page to leave a comment. While I was on MySpace, I realized that I am slowly turning into my father. When I was growing up, my dad would yell, "Mark! Turn down that effing stereo! Everyone in New Orleans doesn't want to listen to your music!"

That is one of the reasons I prefer Postal Profiles over MySpace. Sure, a few people have music playing - but they have good taste in songs played. I went to visit a different MySpace page, and suddenly; my speakers were blaring with the song - "My Achy Breaky Heart." After prying my fingers off of the ceiling, I quickly hit the "mute" button to kill the sounds of that wretched filth.

As I am writing the blog, I caught someone's flu bug going around town here. I rarely get colds or fevers, but when I do - the symptoms seem different from the last snork fest that I had. This morning, I went to my medicine cabinet to find out that all of my drugs have expired. But this also made me think - do drugs really expire? Do they turn into poison or are they just less effective?

Drugs have a long list of horrible side effects such as death and four-hour erections. And that's what happens before they expire! But last night, I was very congested and went to my medicine cabinet to find a bottle of Actifed Cough Syrup (expired: November 2008.) Should I risk my own life and drink the cough syrup? With anything in life, I decided to take a chance.

While laying in my bed, listening to a Skeptics of the Universe podcast - I was waiting for the end to come soon. But, suddenly, aahhhh......I was breathing normal again! I woke up feeling fine to open up my shop this morning.

To let you know, I didn't just ingest that cough syrup for me! Oh no....I did it for all of you on Postal Profiles with much pride - and with phlegm. You can all rest assured that in these tough economic times, you don't need to throw your money down the drain on "fresh" cough syrup. The expired stuff works just as well as long as you spit out those crusty little chunks. If you can work with postal equipment that is 40 years out of date - surely, two month old expired cough syrup is just as safe. Me thinks the pharmecutical companies have a wonderful scam going on with these expired medications.

I mean, really, wasn't the wonder drug "pencillin" discovered in a stinky, moldy petri dish?  

Hello, my name is Joanie and I am Mark's faithful shar-pei. Apparently, my master is too darn lazy to write a blog on here so I suppose it is up to me. I don't know about the rest of you, but this weather is so darn cold. We got almost 3 feet of snow during Christmas week - but I love to run around outside even if there is over 30 inches of snow.

I am wearing my winter fur and I love to chase the squirrels out of our backyard. Can imagine those darn cats trying to live up here? Hogwash! Have you ever seen a bunch of cats pulling a dogsled? I don't think so!! They are pu$$ie$!! And that is how that phrase got its meaning. But I live with lazy men. Of course, there is Diablo - the world's laziest chihuahua. All he does is sleep and pass gas. Even his woo-hoo is tucked beneath his hind legs. He should be an effing cat!!

Diablo just stays inside and sleeps or hides under the blanket on the couch or hides in my master's bed. He can't figure out why people accidently sit on him when he is hiding from the cold. Dumb dog! I live around a bunch of lazy men. This is 2008!! Us females don't sit at home waiting for Ward Cleaver to get home from work so we can cook his dinner or clean the skid marks out of his undies. We have a life too!! I know of female dog owners that actually earn more than their husbands, but they still have to do all of the cooking and clean up the house.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put a remote control between his toes! How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows, it has never happened before!!

You may ask where this pent-up anger came from? Well, it started when I thought my master was a true dog-lover. My doggie confederate, Skippy, took a quick snapshot of one of my master's cakes in the kitchen of his shop.

It's a cake in the shape of an effing furball cat!! What a traitor!! I might just drop a deuce in one of his famous kitty litter cakes and watch the fun!! If his bakery doesn't pan out - he might just jump ship and see what brown can do for him at UPS. I told my master that he saw enough brown-nosing at the USPS - don't do it! Don't see what brown can do for you.

Take my word for it, when my master is not at work. He just lies around the house sleeping as much as Diablo. My master is so lazy he sticks his nose out the window and lets the Colorado winter wind blow it. Oh sure, he is good with those effing photo ops!!

Oh yeah, sure, pose nice and pretty with those 20-something humans at their engagement party and eat their expensive catered food while Diablo and I have to settle for Kibbles and Bits.  Then you come home and lounge around in your boxer shorts watching ESPN with your two day beard and beer breath. Uh-huh.....

Gone are the days where a powerful pit-bull could intimidate a cute female poodle into a relationship. We don't want a lazy chihuahua or a sleeping male master in bed watching his Denver Broncos game. We are looking for the same things now - a nice body and a charming person.

As I look at my younger brother Diablo, half-awake and peeking out from under the covers as my master goes to work - it only lets me know:

This female shar-pei thinks that men are losing their power. The shrinking pool of eligible educated men is small and adds fuel to the fire of you single guys finding a soulmate - especially during this Holiday season. Diablo has been lucky in finding love with our neighbor's chihuahua, Bambi.

Diablo has the hots for a "blonde" chihuahua. Unbelievable!! And that is why those human blonde jokes are so short.....so you human men can understand them.

But with all of these lazy-azz men that I have to put up with this holiday season, and my master bitching about starting his new business and his financial uncertainties, there is one thing I know.

My master used to be a postal clerk and lived within his means - never bowing before those who had more money or power in the USPS. Even when we lived in a tiny downtown Denver condo. Diablo and I lived within a houseful of love, laughter, security and love.

Perhaps, I should sell this idea to Hallmark for their next year's set of Christmas cards.

Loving pawprints (") (")

Joanie