I have heard this phrase when I have done something where the results turned out horrible. Someone will remark, "..what are you thinking?" Or if I have done something where the results turn out fantastic, like a ribald romantic night. The woman will look at you and ask, "..what are you thinking?" To the men on here, I would never recommend a menage a trois. You end up with a woman on each side asking "what are you thinking?" all night long. I'm sure I just imploded someone's fantasy on here.

But this isn't what I wanted to write about, I think....

My journey into this began innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another and I became a social thinker. I began to think alone - to relax, I told myself, but I knew it wasn't true. Then I started thinking on the job. I knew that thinking and the post office don't mix, but I couldn't control myself. I started avoiding my co-workers at lunchtime to read books on self-improvement and philosophy. I would hide the books in my car so that no one would know. I would return to my SSA window dazed and confused asking, "What is the purpose of life?" and "How can I improve my present situation?" 

Soon, I had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the station manager called me into his office, "Mark, I like you, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you can't quit thinking on the job, I will have to issue you a letter of warning."

Wow! This gave me a lot to think about!

I decided to straighten out this mess and I approached my boss again. "You know, John, I've been thinking..." He stopped me right there. "I know you've been thinking and it has got to stop! You think more than a college professor!" I pointed out to my boss that," he re-itterated a faulty syllogism!"

My problem became clear to me when I decided to stop off at the library after work only to find that they closed early on Monday. There I was, laying on the doorstep clawing at the cold glass door whimpering that I need words for my thinking frenzy.

I have joined a postal support group where at each meeting we watch streams of non-educational postal videos, Jerry Springer reruns and the MTV channel. We share our experiences about having avoided any individual thoughts that week about the meaning of life, how can we improve our lives at work and at home and why the postal service prefers us to operate like gears and sheep.

I avoided my letter of warning and now my job at the USPS is bland without meaning and purpose. I am now a mindless robot reading the Mystery Shopper script verbatim inflecting no personality and I've quit working on grievances - too much thinking required. I stare at the TV for hours to receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating about accomplishments, good works and faith.

But secretly, I still think and therefore I am.