ME: "Hi, my name is Mark and I've come to apply for the job."

INTERVIEWER: "You're aware that this isn't just any job, but the hardest job EVER?"

ME: "That's right, and you're about to interview the best postal employee in the world."

INTERVIEWER: "Let's start from the top then. Have you ever run a small manufacturing operation? Or do you have management skills in purchasing, inventory, budgeting, production and accounting?"

ME: "No, but like my application says - I am a clerk for the Postal Service."

INTERVIEWER: "I see. How are your people skills? Are you able to quickly define people and determine their strengths and weaknesses? Are you able to quickly identify which people have our interests at heart and which intend us harm?"

ME: "Well, I deal with the public at my SSA station and I took a psychology course in college once."

INTERVIEWER: "OK, then, how are you at managing disputes? There will be a lot of disputes in this job and resolving them requires excellent listening skills, comprehensive reasoning skills and the ability to enforce sound judgment."

ME: "Managing disputes? Well, I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket once, but that cop had it out for me."

INTERVIEWER: "Perhaps you have other skills that are mandatory for the hardest job ever. How are your comedy skills? That is, how are you at encouraging laughter, one of the most important elements of this job?"

ME: "Laughter? You mean like telling jokes? OK, these 2 postmasters walk into a bar and the bartender says......"

INTERVIEWER: "That won't be necessary. What about ethics and morals? Do you have a strong sense of right and wrong? Are you able to quickly determine the honest path in any situation? And do you have the ability to promote this knowledge as part of an extended development program?"

ME: "Ethics and morals? Well, I got a C-plus once on a paper I wrote on Aristotle or was it Socrates? Those Greek dudes always mess me up."

INTERVIEWER: "Oh, brother. There has to be some area where you excel. In this job you will have every one of your buttons pushed, but you must never lose your cool. Do you have extraordinary patience?"

ME: "I waited nearly twenty minutes at the Waffle House for my cheesy eggs and grits."

INTERVIEWER: "Ummm...yes.... Let's talk then about your career aspirations. Where do you see yourself in five years?"

ME: "I figure that once I show everyone how good I am at the hardest job ever, I'll quickly move to the top of the ladder."

INTERVIEWER: "You are thinking to much like the Postal Service. There are no EAS positions available in this job. There is only one job level. You will never be promoted."

ME: "Never promoted? What tour will I be working? Tour One, Tour Two, Tour Three?"

INTERVIEWER: "Ah, excellent question. This job requires a 24-hour-a-day shift, seven days a week. There are no breaks."

ME: "No breaks! Let me get this straight. This job requires a high level of skills of every kind. It requires sound judgment and patience. It means never having the weekend off or even taking a break. Hopefully the craft workers can bail me out!"

INTERVIEWER: "There are no craft workers to bail you out."

ME" "Then surely there is a union I can join to get my breaks and benefits. I hope this job pays a lot of money?"

INTERVIEWER: "We have no union and you won't receive a penny. People who hold this job work for free."

ME: "For free?? What the @#$! kind of job is this anyway?"

INTERVIEWER: "It's the job of Mother, the hardest job EVER!"