I just finished writing a blog about the large amount of mail that was piled up here over the Labor Day weekend and around the same time, the Postal Service decided to hire that obsessive-compulsive detective Adrian Monk to conduct the mail count audit. Mr. Monk would observe, "Route #1 has four flat tubs, Route #2 has ten flat tubs and Route #3 has seven flat tubs. Why don't all three routes have seven equal tubs with 100 pieces of mail in them? While the postmaster would be explaining the situation to him, our detective friend hears not a word and responds, "Did you know you have lipstick on your collar plus your fly is unzipped? I think I need to wash my hands again."

The entire blog was wrong on more levels than one. First of all, EVERYONE reading this site today got dumped with a ton of mail and a long line of customers yesterday. Secondly, large volumes of mail and an auditor NEVER occur on the same day EVER! Also, as neurotic as Adrian Monk, I think he would view the Postal Service as psychotic.

I have quickly scrapped that blog and have decided write some more deeper into the theater of the absurd. I have decided that it is time to clean out the disorganized underwear drawer of my brain. This is the part of head that thinks idiotic thoughts that I keep to myself so my co-workers won't know how insane I have become. This diseased area of my cerebellum that has weird comebacks to management's straight lines that I keep mum before a phone call to the EAP is made. And now, on to the underwear drawer.........

I think an excellent novel would be where a bunch of guys are on a boat fishing for Ol' Charley, that 20 pound bass that eludes every fishing lure and hook. These men fish everyday for a week. But you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The author leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

Was there ever an episode on the Man From U.N.C.L.E. where an evil agent from THRUSH gave Napoleon Solo a wedgie until he said the name of the organization he worked for?

Have you ever thought about going up to the postmaster and say, "Is that a spot on your tie?' and boop him on the nose? I thought about doing that to Spauldo's dog Biscuit - but he might bite me.

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a glorious living thing. Not that much different than a tall leafy clerk at the hot case that has roots and is very quiet.

Would you rather see a movie starring Jack Black with music by Jack White, or see a movie starring Jack White with music by Jack Black? Discuss.

I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others and to talk about them behind their backs. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.

Today I saw a snail near the loading dock at the post office. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I have built a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil. (Beth knows what I mean.) 

Fortunes in fortune cookies are fun to Photoshop, but I would never take advice from a real fortune cookie. Fortune cookies taste terrible so I would not listen to someone that can't get their own act together. Girl Scout Cookies - now there's a cookie I would listen to. Between you and me, if a Girl Scout cookie told me to put a condom over my body and run around work yelling "I'm a squid!" Bygawd, I would do it.

To the makers of those Postal calendar/TSP magnets that get sent to us in the mail every year. Could you please make them at least 1/8th of an inch thicker. Everytime I walk by my fridge, I am attacked by a flying barrage of recipes and pizza coupons. I understand that you are trying to convey that the Postal Service deeply cares about its employees, however............scrap that idea, I just read what I wrote.....

I am tired of hearing management spouting, "Ask not what DOIS can do for you - ask what you can do for DOIS." What is it with people making those kind of off-the-wall remarks?

That's my job!!