Some of my best friends told me to invest in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac years ago, but I never listened to their advice. Being a person who loves satire and having a strange sense of humor, I had decided to invest in the firm of Fannie Flagg and Bernie Mac. Fannie Flagg was Miss Alabama 1971 and became a stand-up comedian before appearing on those old Match Game TV shows. She wrote the screenplays to Driving Miss Daisy and Fried Green Tomatoes. In 1990, she admitted that she was a lesbian and her career was over.

Bernie Mac, whom I thought was one of the best comics alive appeared on those Def Comedy Jams but he didn't resort to gross humor, he was naturally funny! Bernie died prematurely at age 50 from sarcoidosis. The same lung disease that felled New Orleans icon Louis Armstrong. My investments were lost.

I considered myself to be a responsible person. I have paid my mortgage payment on time ALWAYS. My utility bills, phone, cable TV, water bill and truck payment has been sent on a regular basis. If I need extra cash, I make sugar free wedding cakes as my side business. But one day, I could not get a wedding cake gig so I decided to call a lending officer at the BankTill of America office.

BANK: Good morning sir. Welcome to BankTill of  America! My name is B. Ezelbub. How can I help you?

ME: I need a bailout this morning.

BANK: I'm sorry, sir. as I look at your information, Mr. Bivens - Mark Bivens? - is it? Based on your collateral - we cannot give you a loan.

ME: Yes sir. But I am not interested in a loan. I want a bailout!

BANK: Um..... I don't understand you Mark?

ME: I'm sure you know what I am talking about. The same deal you gave to those companies that I heard about on the news. You know, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers and AIG and.....

BANK: Mark, those are mortgage lending giants. These bailouts were essential to the economy of America. The results without our bailout would be very disasterous to Wall Street.

ME: I am a full-time postal employee plus I paid for a state tax license to sell wedding cakes. Without the assistance I need you to give me, the results will be disasterous to Main Street, Elm Street and Colorado Blvd. It will effect the economy of the Denver area.

BANK: I'm sorry Mark, we cannot help you.

ME: But you helped them.

BANK: That's different.

ME: Why is is different?

BANK: Because you weren't irresponsible with billions of dollars. You are so naive to be an honest and responsible person. You are such a idiot! You are honest - what kind of American are you?

ME: OK, Mr. Ezelbub, I was trying to reasonable about asking for a bailout. I am through asking!

BANK: Thank G--!...um....I mean the other Guy.

ME: Just give me my money then! I read in the Wall Street Journal that this bailout will cost every taxpayer $2,000 and the average family $10,000. Plus the national deficit will cost every individual taxpayer $67,000 over the next 10 years.

BANK: Yes, but, but....."

ME: Just give my $79,000 dollars and I will call it even.

BANK: I'm sorry, Mark, it is not possible. You said earlier that you are a postal worker - correct?

ME: Yes?

BANK: Being a postal worker, you may have noticed that the lazy irresponsible loafers who take the easy way out always need to be bailed out.. This is the real America!! These are people that know how to lie, cheat and steal. Yummy! I can smell the brimstone already. You should be reading Anton LeVay or Mein Kampf instead of those Twilight novels.

ME: I will not sell my soul Mr. Ezelbub. I was hoping you would cut me the same deal as Fannie and Freddie.

BANK: No dice, bub.

ME: What if I told you that I can get an autographed pic of my aunt Bev Bivens from the rock group "We Five." Can you give me a break?

BANK: The "We Five?" Who the f--k are they? Have you been hitting the Mojitos again?

ME: I know deep down inside that I am getting nowhere with this conversation. The hardworking folks who responsibly pay their debts are screwed, while the greedy and sometimes lazy folks get bailed out by the government or their co-workers.... Mr. B. Ezelbub can you please do me just ONE favor?

BANK: Possibly? Can I buy your soul for it?

ME: I won't sell my soul to you in this lifetime. The next time you steal my money for a bailout or to raise the debt - money that I never knew I had - can I simply hold it for 5 minutes and to post a photo on PostalProfiles to show the world a photo of your disgusting greed?

(*CLICK*) ....Hello?.....hello?