The High Holidays don't involve celebrating Ozzy Osbourne's birthday. The High Holidays or Yamin Noraim are the holidays of Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year, 5760) which begins at sundown tonight and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement.) The ten days in between are known as the Ten Days of Repentance.

In celebration of Rosh Hashanah, synagogues hold services that begin and end with Selichot (Psalms 27) The traditional introduction of the New Year begins when the Rabbi blows the Shofar (ram's horn). Another Rosh Hashanah tradition is a ritual called Tashlich. Jews go to a nearby river or stream and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour our sins. Normally, rabbis suggest that any kind of bread in your kitchen is sufficient. I made my own suggestion to the rabbi that, perhaps different kinds of breads/pastries should be used for specific sins:

For ordinary sins.....................White Bread
For complex sins....................Multigrain
For twisted sins.......................Pretzels
For sins of politicians.............Waffles
For substance abuse.............Stoned Wheat with Poppy Seed
For writing silly blogs..............Nut Bread
For erotic sins...........................French Bread
For racist attitudes...................Crackers
For lusting at Carrie's pics......Cheesecake
For telling bad jokes/puns......Corn Bread

My rabbi just ignored me like he always does. Sometimes Judaism can be as boring as a matzoh.

The other main High Holiday is Yom Kippur. We fast throughout the entire day and attend synagogue services. This long service is known as Kol Nidre. Being a redneck Jew - last year I broke my Yom Kippur fast at the Waffle House.

During the ten days in between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur - one is require to perform a Mitzvah (good deed.)  Many of us perform our mitzvahs volunteering for charity or at schools and hospitals. I would like to suggest that maybe our government should perform a mitzvah and redistribute that $700 billion bailout. Also, I would suggest that the ACLU could perform a mitzvah and drop the lawsuits concerning there "political correctness" garbage. This time of year is as important to Jews as Christmas is to Christians. If I want to wish a Jewish customer L'Shana Tova (Happy New Year) or wish a Christian customer a Merry Christmas I will exercise my First Amendment right by doing so instead of the generic "Happy Holidays." The ACLU is to Judaism as Robert Tilton is to Christianity. Believe me, most Jews are NOT offended by seeing a nativity scene at the courthouse or on your front lawn. Stop it ACLU!! You are embarrassing the rest of us Jews out here!

I will end this blog before I sound too pious and preachy. Here is an interesting illustration of a mitzvah:

Every Sabbath, just before Rosh Hashanah, the local Rabbi would disappear. Nobody seemed to know where he was. A group of gossiping old women would hang outside of the synagogue and ask, "Where could the rabbi be? Maybe he went to heaven?" The gossip queen of the group decided to find out.

One night, she broke into the rabbi's house and quietly slid under his bed. The rabbi woke up just before 4 AM and got out of bed. He put on a camoflague hat, a large camoflague coat with a fishing pole tucked inside and some work boots. He carried with him two burlap sacks. One contained two dozen eggs, a loaf of bread and some fruit. The other sack was empty. He left his house and the gossip queen followed him.

The rabbi crept into the woods and found a magic stream. He began fishing and pulled two dozen rainbow trout out of the magic stream. He put the fish in the empty sack and began walking.

He stopped besides an old mobile home out in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door.

"Who is there?" asked the frightened old woman.

"My name is Fred the Fisherman," said the rabbi. "I have fish to sell."

"I can't help you, sir" said the woman. "I'm on a fixed income. I had to sell my home before it went into foreclosure. I will not receive a government bailout. With the small amount of money I made from the sale, I bought this small plot of land and this rickety old mobile home. I have no money to buy fish."

"I'll lend it to you," said the rabbi.

"How will I pay you back?" asked the woman.

"I will trust you," said the rabbi.

The rabbi set down the burlaps sacks in the woman's trailer. He preceded to cook the rainbow trout and fry some eggs to make her breakfast. Then he left her trailer without saying a word.

Now, whenever the gossiping old ladies outside of the synagogue ask if the rabbi has gone to heaven - the gossip queen tells them, "Heaven?...... If not higher."